For those outside the Christian sub-culture that has been created, there is a little sect known as the "quiverfull movement" - I don't know all the ins and outs of this particular movement except that they're anti-birth control of any sort and aim to have as many children as possible. I want a big family, but I'm not for trying to see how many babies I can pop out before "the change" happens.

Personally, I'm not a fan of any hormone based birth control - probably because I go a little nut-so with any slight change in my own hormones. I'm not anti-the pill, just more cautious. I think as women we go for the Pill (and other similar options) because we believe the lie that has been told to us by our doctors and pharmeceutical companies - that the Pill is really the only effective way to stave off unplanned pregnancies. Since my husband and I aren't ready to have our next baby yet, I was looking for something a little more sure than a barrier method and yet not hormonal. I was almost ready to throw my hands up in the air until I came across a book titled Taking Charge of Your Fertility. What's funny to me is that this book is secular and a thousand times more informative about my reproductive system than any sex-ed class I sat through in my days of public high school. In fact, public high school mentioned menstruation and some basic b.c. tips (Pill, condoms, don't do it, etc), but no one bothered to mention to me that I'm really only fertile for a small period each month and that you can know when you're fertile. In fact, if you follow the rules for the FAM (fertility awareness method), I think it's a 2% failure rate (and you can always use a barrier while practicing this method too).

Tying this back into my quiverfull movement statement earlier - I just wondered if they would be anti-this as well even though it requires no actual artificial b.c. It's just temp taking and well... noticing a few female things :)

Now jumping from my quiverfull thought...

Women are totally screwed up in this generation. We've been told to be tough like men. To have sex like men. To work like men. And then there's talk of trying to capture the real woman and blah blah blah - but so few women know about this. Sex ed, in all it's wonder, doesn't teach us a damn thing about our bodies. For the first time in my life, I understand my body and what's going on - it's not a mystery! I can't get pregnant any time in my cycle, but now I know when I can get pregnant. Sure, it requires some extra diligence, but heck, stick a thermometer in my mouth when I wake up and write down what I get. Takes me less than 30 seconds.

God made our bodies unique and intricate. It's a shame we rarely take the time to try to understand them and are ready in a heart beat to shove a foreign chemical into our bodies just to make them submit to what we want.

Adapted from a letter I wrote a friend:

It was Spurgeon who said that (and I paraphrase) he couldn't imagine bearing any suffering not carefully measured out by the Father's hand. I believe in not only a big God but a Sovereign God. Every facet of my life from my conception to my death has been planned. We talked of preparing our hearts for famine - but we should already have our hearts prepared for suffering whatever its form - famine may come next year, but our husbands may not come through the door tonight or our sons may be taken from us tomorrow. I endeavor to learn to hold everything in open hands so that whether I have or have not, nothing but the blood of Christ owns my soul. If food rules me, may I starve. If creature comforts, may I ache. If air, may I die. These are not easy things to say - my flesh quivers in fear but I say them so that through repetition, my mind, which agrees with my Lord, will be brought into subjection also.

John Piper says we ought to have a theology of suffering so that when it comes we are not tossed about. I believe that God has seen every tear I will cry and every plea my tongue will make and has placed benediction upon it. I know that i am infinitely loved by a God who is passionate about His glory and will not abandon me though I sit in a pit as John Bunyan did or if I am tortured as our Chinese brothers and sisters. My perseverance is promised by the very tongue of our King. He has saved me from American consumerism (though a fight remains) - He will not abandon me in my darkest hour whenever that may be. This is how I can say in all confidence that if you are found in Christ, you too will finish the race.

We will cry tears of pain and we may lack clarity in those moments - but we will not lose our God who upholds us by His might right hand. Oh that we may one day be of such stalwart faith that we can say as Sarah Edwards did that we will kiss the rod and cover our mouths in awe of a God who is unfathomable and yet shows to us His inner thoughts. I rest in the promise that every tear shed will be a gem in our holy crowns that we will place at the Lamb's feet - the One who created us, named us, called us, saved us, and will glorify us.

This is where I prepare my heart - not in particular suffering, but in a deep ocean of comfort in knowing that I am promised to finish the race - the race already won. I am not promised tomorrow or comforts or family or friends or even air. I am promised Christ - supremely valuable. Thus saith the Lord.

One of the beautiful things about Christianity is its philosophy of suffering. In a culture that far to often shakes its fist at God and demands answers to His supposed crimes, to suffer with joy is a rare find, but when a glimpse is caught of the hands reaching upward, willing to love and trust that God is good in His sovereignty, it silences the attackers.

I have watched people suffer in my own life over this past month. I watched a friend give birth at 21 weeks, too early to save her precious son. I watched her and her husband weep and my heart broke with them. I watched them worship the very Christ that took their son from them. I heard them proclaim that He is good. I had a friend who has been unable to conceive and doctors have been unable to help. In a final attempt, they failed to get pregnant. I cried with her over her unfulfilled dreams. I heard her praise God for His kindness and mercy.

This is the promise that we have in Christ - that we will suffer, but that unlike the suffering of this world, ours is redeemed. Every tear we shed becomes a gem at the feet of our Savior where it shines brighter and clearer than a diamond in the hot, desert sun, that is richer and deeper than the reddest ruby or bluest sapphire. Those jewels will be placed in our crown at Christ's return and those crowns will be placed at His feet because it was He who apportioned our pain and caused us to persevere through it. Suffering happens because as a collective whole, humanity has sinned against God. While there are consequences to our actions, I don't believe in one for one suffering - in other words, just because something terrible befalls someone, doesn't mean they did something to deserve it. Instead, I believe that as a whole, humanity fell in the Garden of Eden and that suffering entered this world and we now, collectively endure suffering. Christ redeemed that pain.

In Genesis, Joseph says to his brothers that which they meant for evil, God meant for good. I heard Pastor John once say that it isn't that God comes along after the fact and decides to swing things to the positive - no, God from before time, designed the pain and meant it for good. We are the ones, who in our short-sightedness and our limited view that think we are doing something for evil.

This post is a little more incoherent, I think. I had trouble sleeping and this was on my mind. No one knows about this blog, but me. So I suppose I'm writing this down because I know pain will come into my life and I want to have words to remind me of the Gospel and the promises that God has given me through Jesus.

Since I know no one reads this blog and because I know that if I posted this on the Boundless post it would just be ignored by liberals who, in general, don't listen (personal, repeated experience), I'm just going to post this here:

http://www.boundlessline.org/2008/05/balancing-truth.html

In some countries, you're killed for believing anything contrary to the state government. In the United States, we act like religion is something we go to Wal-Mart to get (picking and choosing our accessories along the way).

The rude awakening for many of us, is that Jesus wasn't this way. Christ is who He is and the Bible is what it is. Truthfully, among Christians, this argument shouldn't be happening. I came from a liberal college, I was liberal. The Bible, when I actually sat down with it, changed my mind. I either accept the Bible for what it says at face value, or I walk away and pick a (false) religion that will let me do whatever I want, however I want.

But I don't think most people will listen when I say this. I was generally ignored by my classmates despite their inability to answer basic moral questions. I was mocked by the atheist in the back of the room who actually got what I said in the previous paragraph and generally agreed with me (proving his point, usually by making jabs at me).

There is no such thing as an objective law. All law is based on some type of belief. Right now, the fight in the liberal camp is to remove "religion" from the conversation leaving only secular humanism as the core and reigning thought. "Man is the measure of all things." I don't agree with that. Therefore, I have a duty and a responsibility to fight for the core of what I do believe - that God is the measure of all things. Do I deny that other people have the right to fight just as hard for their secular humanist world view? If homosexuals want to fight for the "right" (it is not a right, btw, that is an American misunderstanding), then they can do so. But, as a Christian and then (secondary) as an American, I will continue to assert that marriage is not a right, but an institution designed and blessed by God. They may succeed in getting "marriage" for themselves, but it will never be recognized by God (and as Christians we are Christ followers first, putting aside all earthly allegiances and prejudices for our God).

I have a good number of friends in the homosexual community. I show compassion by being kind to them. By being friends and eating with them. By talking with them intelligently. By believing that they are intelligent enough to hear my case and to understand it. I have been received well by them and they respect me and I them. I have shared the truth, I don't harp on it, but I show them, through my life and through my interactions, that Christ is supreme above all earthly desires - straight or otherwise. Compassion is not denying truth. Compassion is telling the truth in love - a difficult task.

So, whatever anyone argues here, the truth remains unchanged and unwavering.

I've been frustrated the last few months about a lot of things. Come the end of May, Elijah will be graduating from TBI and a whole new chapter of our lives begins. Theoretically, anyway. First there seemed like there might be a full time job opportunity here in Minneapolis, but that fell through due to red tape. I felt like I was a kid being shown a really awesome chocolate chip cookie and then being told I couldn't have it. Why show it to me if I'm not allowed to eat it? Now, we're waiting on another job opportunity which will at least allow me to go from full time to part time.

The uncertainty is driving me crazy.

I do a great deal of talking about waiting on God and trusting Him with my future. I don't tend to actually live that out very well. My grandmother, who recently passed away, was not a Christian and worried constantly. I couldn't even talk about death or about tragedy, as though uttering the words would somehow cause them to happen. Fools think that way. Sometimes I think that way. The demons that held my grandmother captive sit at my doorstep and call my name on a daily basis. Every day, every moment I have to make a decision about who's voice I will follow - my Shepherd or the devil? Generally, if I can be honest, I take the easy way out and simply distract myself. Lord knows we have a plethora of ways to distract ourselves in this culture.

I worry. I'm afraid. I'm frustrated. Sometimes I'm even a little angry. I'm a planner by nature and when I can't see a clear path, I start to grumble. I start to mutter. I start to doubt the goodness of God's nature. Christ did not promise that we would get to know all of our steps before we take them. In Him sharing in our weaknesses, He tells us that He doesn't even know the time or date of His own second coming. The Father does though and there Jesus rested. He showed me 2000 years ago where to take my cares. He demonstrated the wisdom of waiting on the Lord.

I don't know what the answer will be for the future. I'm holding my breath, standing at the edge of a precipice, wondering if I can continue to affirm that everything that life brings my way, God intends, means, purposes for good. My good - His glory. If I have to keep working full time, then I want to be obedient and not just obedient. I want to be joyful. I want to find contentment even when life isn't going the way I think it should. Heaven isn't here. So I'm praying for faith and perseverance. God brings to completion that which He began.

Jesus led me here, and Jesus does all things well.

I've been in Arkansas for almost a week. I can't believe tomorrow will be Friday and I'll be on my way back to Minnesota, back to my husband (who I miss). I wish he could have been here with me. The hardest is knowing Monday is coming and with it, work. I've discovered that when I'm away, ultimately one of my clients has something horribly wrong happen to them and I end up cleaning up the mess. That's the way it goes though.

I spent some time with good friends though and with my parents as well. I noticed that everyone seems to see Arkansas with some level of negativity. My parents see hypocrisy. Another friend asked me if I would be smothered if I lived here (this was from frustration of feeling like if she did what she actually wanted it would go against social norms too much and people would freak out, even though medically speaking, it's very progressive and done in places like, well, Minnesota). I think what strikes a lot of people is the "God-speak" that goes on but without a whole lot of "God-living" going on. Everyone says they're a Christian. People who have no idea what the Bible actually says claim Christianity. People who distort the Bible with liberalism think they're Christians. It's one of those words you have to qualify now.

Arkansas has it's bad points, but so does every state. I told them up north you have the liberals screaming about the environment driving down the road in their SUVs. As long as there are humans, there are hypocrites. Not least among these, myself. I don't mean to be, but I am. Maybe that's why I deal with Arkansas with a level of grace. And the fact that I just tell people off and what I'm going to do and they can learn to live with it or mind their own business.

Right now I'm at my parents house and the sun is coming up over the lake that is part of the housing development. Pretty houses are on the other side and beyond them a hill that is covered with trees. It's truly breathtaking. Oh, Minnesota has beauty, but this, this is a familiar beauty. One I know, one that sings of home to me. God is here just as much as any other place and just like any other place people are too busy looking at each other and themselves to bother with what He has to say. Liberals holler about God and love and they make God generic brand-x. Conservatives make God a policeman with a big stick, and they become self-righteous. They both miss it. God is a God of Love and Wrath. He does hate. He does love. He saves. He damns. He's in the hills of Arkansas and in the inner city of Minneapolis. He is distinct. He is NOT whatever we want to make Him.

He is not a creature nor does He have any imperfections.

And of all places, I learned that here in Arkansas. Seeing my own hypocrisy and my own sinfulness, I cannot be so quick as to call out the sins of others (though I do, ironically enough). But people are nice here. They'll talk to you in the store. They'll come in and sit down with you when they visit. There's always sweet tea to be made. There's always a meal to share.

There's family. There's friends.

There's home.

Recently I've started to realize that I think I might be frustrated with God. The hard thing about believing what I do about God (and knowing what I know about Him) is understanding that my frustration with Him is born out of sinfulness in my own heart. Ultimately He has done nothing to warrant anger or frustration because He has done all things for His glory and for my good.

And I am a child in a store begging for a chocolate bar that will only make me fat and will not satisfy me at all.

The frustration comes from a lot of things - from wanting to stay home, but I can't. Wanting to go to Arkansas with my family and only being able to choose between going alone or taking Eli because of Elijah's final exam in Hebrew. Wanting to be closer to my family in Arkansas than I am. Wanting to not be tired. Wanting to be a better person. Wanting, wanting, wanting.

That's the way it is this side of heaven I suppose. I had a professor once tell me she thought Heaven was a selfish idea. I don't think she understood the point of Heaven though. Eternal rest. How anyone can say they don't feel a sense of exhaustion in living this life, I'll never know. But I feel one. I feel a heavy burden on my shoulders that I carry and it frustrates me. I want to rest NOW, I want to be in the presence of the only thing that will truly make me happy forever, the glory of God.

So I'm a little confused and very reserved right now. I know this is a place of sin in my life and I am definitely wondering how much longer I will stay here before my heart finally gets it.

We'll see.