Recently I've started to realize that I think I might be frustrated with God. The hard thing about believing what I do about God (and knowing what I know about Him) is understanding that my frustration with Him is born out of sinfulness in my own heart. Ultimately He has done nothing to warrant anger or frustration because He has done all things for His glory and for my good.
And I am a child in a store begging for a chocolate bar that will only make me fat and will not satisfy me at all.
The frustration comes from a lot of things - from wanting to stay home, but I can't. Wanting to go to Arkansas with my family and only being able to choose between going alone or taking Eli because of Elijah's final exam in Hebrew. Wanting to be closer to my family in Arkansas than I am. Wanting to not be tired. Wanting to be a better person. Wanting, wanting, wanting.
That's the way it is this side of heaven I suppose. I had a professor once tell me she thought Heaven was a selfish idea. I don't think she understood the point of Heaven though. Eternal rest. How anyone can say they don't feel a sense of exhaustion in living this life, I'll never know. But I feel one. I feel a heavy burden on my shoulders that I carry and it frustrates me. I want to rest NOW, I want to be in the presence of the only thing that will truly make me happy forever, the glory of God.
So I'm a little confused and very reserved right now. I know this is a place of sin in my life and I am definitely wondering how much longer I will stay here before my heart finally gets it.
We'll see.
1 comment:
I'm not sure if it's sinfulness as much as having to make some hard decisions and wanting more for your family and those relationships. The things you want are not inherently selfish--they are born out of love for your family and a desire to do more for them.
I think a greater sin would be to want to give up the support you give your husband and son, and the devotion to your loved ones.
Is all desire sinful? I doubt it. God desires for us. Desire for God is good. God created us to be loving, social creatures, and He has given you a family to care about so much that you want to give more to them. It's hard to be a working mom, to go on vacation without your husband. I admire your strength and fortitude to do what you need to do to support your husband and nurture your child.
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