Adapted from a letter I wrote a friend:

It was Spurgeon who said that (and I paraphrase) he couldn't imagine bearing any suffering not carefully measured out by the Father's hand. I believe in not only a big God but a Sovereign God. Every facet of my life from my conception to my death has been planned. We talked of preparing our hearts for famine - but we should already have our hearts prepared for suffering whatever its form - famine may come next year, but our husbands may not come through the door tonight or our sons may be taken from us tomorrow. I endeavor to learn to hold everything in open hands so that whether I have or have not, nothing but the blood of Christ owns my soul. If food rules me, may I starve. If creature comforts, may I ache. If air, may I die. These are not easy things to say - my flesh quivers in fear but I say them so that through repetition, my mind, which agrees with my Lord, will be brought into subjection also.

John Piper says we ought to have a theology of suffering so that when it comes we are not tossed about. I believe that God has seen every tear I will cry and every plea my tongue will make and has placed benediction upon it. I know that i am infinitely loved by a God who is passionate about His glory and will not abandon me though I sit in a pit as John Bunyan did or if I am tortured as our Chinese brothers and sisters. My perseverance is promised by the very tongue of our King. He has saved me from American consumerism (though a fight remains) - He will not abandon me in my darkest hour whenever that may be. This is how I can say in all confidence that if you are found in Christ, you too will finish the race.

We will cry tears of pain and we may lack clarity in those moments - but we will not lose our God who upholds us by His might right hand. Oh that we may one day be of such stalwart faith that we can say as Sarah Edwards did that we will kiss the rod and cover our mouths in awe of a God who is unfathomable and yet shows to us His inner thoughts. I rest in the promise that every tear shed will be a gem in our holy crowns that we will place at the Lamb's feet - the One who created us, named us, called us, saved us, and will glorify us.

This is where I prepare my heart - not in particular suffering, but in a deep ocean of comfort in knowing that I am promised to finish the race - the race already won. I am not promised tomorrow or comforts or family or friends or even air. I am promised Christ - supremely valuable. Thus saith the Lord.

One of the beautiful things about Christianity is its philosophy of suffering. In a culture that far to often shakes its fist at God and demands answers to His supposed crimes, to suffer with joy is a rare find, but when a glimpse is caught of the hands reaching upward, willing to love and trust that God is good in His sovereignty, it silences the attackers.

I have watched people suffer in my own life over this past month. I watched a friend give birth at 21 weeks, too early to save her precious son. I watched her and her husband weep and my heart broke with them. I watched them worship the very Christ that took their son from them. I heard them proclaim that He is good. I had a friend who has been unable to conceive and doctors have been unable to help. In a final attempt, they failed to get pregnant. I cried with her over her unfulfilled dreams. I heard her praise God for His kindness and mercy.

This is the promise that we have in Christ - that we will suffer, but that unlike the suffering of this world, ours is redeemed. Every tear we shed becomes a gem at the feet of our Savior where it shines brighter and clearer than a diamond in the hot, desert sun, that is richer and deeper than the reddest ruby or bluest sapphire. Those jewels will be placed in our crown at Christ's return and those crowns will be placed at His feet because it was He who apportioned our pain and caused us to persevere through it. Suffering happens because as a collective whole, humanity has sinned against God. While there are consequences to our actions, I don't believe in one for one suffering - in other words, just because something terrible befalls someone, doesn't mean they did something to deserve it. Instead, I believe that as a whole, humanity fell in the Garden of Eden and that suffering entered this world and we now, collectively endure suffering. Christ redeemed that pain.

In Genesis, Joseph says to his brothers that which they meant for evil, God meant for good. I heard Pastor John once say that it isn't that God comes along after the fact and decides to swing things to the positive - no, God from before time, designed the pain and meant it for good. We are the ones, who in our short-sightedness and our limited view that think we are doing something for evil.

This post is a little more incoherent, I think. I had trouble sleeping and this was on my mind. No one knows about this blog, but me. So I suppose I'm writing this down because I know pain will come into my life and I want to have words to remind me of the Gospel and the promises that God has given me through Jesus.