I've been in Arkansas for almost a week. I can't believe tomorrow will be Friday and I'll be on my way back to Minnesota, back to my husband (who I miss). I wish he could have been here with me. The hardest is knowing Monday is coming and with it, work. I've discovered that when I'm away, ultimately one of my clients has something horribly wrong happen to them and I end up cleaning up the mess. That's the way it goes though.

I spent some time with good friends though and with my parents as well. I noticed that everyone seems to see Arkansas with some level of negativity. My parents see hypocrisy. Another friend asked me if I would be smothered if I lived here (this was from frustration of feeling like if she did what she actually wanted it would go against social norms too much and people would freak out, even though medically speaking, it's very progressive and done in places like, well, Minnesota). I think what strikes a lot of people is the "God-speak" that goes on but without a whole lot of "God-living" going on. Everyone says they're a Christian. People who have no idea what the Bible actually says claim Christianity. People who distort the Bible with liberalism think they're Christians. It's one of those words you have to qualify now.

Arkansas has it's bad points, but so does every state. I told them up north you have the liberals screaming about the environment driving down the road in their SUVs. As long as there are humans, there are hypocrites. Not least among these, myself. I don't mean to be, but I am. Maybe that's why I deal with Arkansas with a level of grace. And the fact that I just tell people off and what I'm going to do and they can learn to live with it or mind their own business.

Right now I'm at my parents house and the sun is coming up over the lake that is part of the housing development. Pretty houses are on the other side and beyond them a hill that is covered with trees. It's truly breathtaking. Oh, Minnesota has beauty, but this, this is a familiar beauty. One I know, one that sings of home to me. God is here just as much as any other place and just like any other place people are too busy looking at each other and themselves to bother with what He has to say. Liberals holler about God and love and they make God generic brand-x. Conservatives make God a policeman with a big stick, and they become self-righteous. They both miss it. God is a God of Love and Wrath. He does hate. He does love. He saves. He damns. He's in the hills of Arkansas and in the inner city of Minneapolis. He is distinct. He is NOT whatever we want to make Him.

He is not a creature nor does He have any imperfections.

And of all places, I learned that here in Arkansas. Seeing my own hypocrisy and my own sinfulness, I cannot be so quick as to call out the sins of others (though I do, ironically enough). But people are nice here. They'll talk to you in the store. They'll come in and sit down with you when they visit. There's always sweet tea to be made. There's always a meal to share.

There's family. There's friends.

There's home.

Recently I've started to realize that I think I might be frustrated with God. The hard thing about believing what I do about God (and knowing what I know about Him) is understanding that my frustration with Him is born out of sinfulness in my own heart. Ultimately He has done nothing to warrant anger or frustration because He has done all things for His glory and for my good.

And I am a child in a store begging for a chocolate bar that will only make me fat and will not satisfy me at all.

The frustration comes from a lot of things - from wanting to stay home, but I can't. Wanting to go to Arkansas with my family and only being able to choose between going alone or taking Eli because of Elijah's final exam in Hebrew. Wanting to be closer to my family in Arkansas than I am. Wanting to not be tired. Wanting to be a better person. Wanting, wanting, wanting.

That's the way it is this side of heaven I suppose. I had a professor once tell me she thought Heaven was a selfish idea. I don't think she understood the point of Heaven though. Eternal rest. How anyone can say they don't feel a sense of exhaustion in living this life, I'll never know. But I feel one. I feel a heavy burden on my shoulders that I carry and it frustrates me. I want to rest NOW, I want to be in the presence of the only thing that will truly make me happy forever, the glory of God.

So I'm a little confused and very reserved right now. I know this is a place of sin in my life and I am definitely wondering how much longer I will stay here before my heart finally gets it.

We'll see.