I've been in Arkansas for almost a week. I can't believe tomorrow will be Friday and I'll be on my way back to Minnesota, back to my husband (who I miss). I wish he could have been here with me. The hardest is knowing Monday is coming and with it, work. I've discovered that when I'm away, ultimately one of my clients has something horribly wrong happen to them and I end up cleaning up the mess. That's the way it goes though.

I spent some time with good friends though and with my parents as well. I noticed that everyone seems to see Arkansas with some level of negativity. My parents see hypocrisy. Another friend asked me if I would be smothered if I lived here (this was from frustration of feeling like if she did what she actually wanted it would go against social norms too much and people would freak out, even though medically speaking, it's very progressive and done in places like, well, Minnesota). I think what strikes a lot of people is the "God-speak" that goes on but without a whole lot of "God-living" going on. Everyone says they're a Christian. People who have no idea what the Bible actually says claim Christianity. People who distort the Bible with liberalism think they're Christians. It's one of those words you have to qualify now.

Arkansas has it's bad points, but so does every state. I told them up north you have the liberals screaming about the environment driving down the road in their SUVs. As long as there are humans, there are hypocrites. Not least among these, myself. I don't mean to be, but I am. Maybe that's why I deal with Arkansas with a level of grace. And the fact that I just tell people off and what I'm going to do and they can learn to live with it or mind their own business.

Right now I'm at my parents house and the sun is coming up over the lake that is part of the housing development. Pretty houses are on the other side and beyond them a hill that is covered with trees. It's truly breathtaking. Oh, Minnesota has beauty, but this, this is a familiar beauty. One I know, one that sings of home to me. God is here just as much as any other place and just like any other place people are too busy looking at each other and themselves to bother with what He has to say. Liberals holler about God and love and they make God generic brand-x. Conservatives make God a policeman with a big stick, and they become self-righteous. They both miss it. God is a God of Love and Wrath. He does hate. He does love. He saves. He damns. He's in the hills of Arkansas and in the inner city of Minneapolis. He is distinct. He is NOT whatever we want to make Him.

He is not a creature nor does He have any imperfections.

And of all places, I learned that here in Arkansas. Seeing my own hypocrisy and my own sinfulness, I cannot be so quick as to call out the sins of others (though I do, ironically enough). But people are nice here. They'll talk to you in the store. They'll come in and sit down with you when they visit. There's always sweet tea to be made. There's always a meal to share.

There's family. There's friends.

There's home.

Recently I've started to realize that I think I might be frustrated with God. The hard thing about believing what I do about God (and knowing what I know about Him) is understanding that my frustration with Him is born out of sinfulness in my own heart. Ultimately He has done nothing to warrant anger or frustration because He has done all things for His glory and for my good.

And I am a child in a store begging for a chocolate bar that will only make me fat and will not satisfy me at all.

The frustration comes from a lot of things - from wanting to stay home, but I can't. Wanting to go to Arkansas with my family and only being able to choose between going alone or taking Eli because of Elijah's final exam in Hebrew. Wanting to be closer to my family in Arkansas than I am. Wanting to not be tired. Wanting to be a better person. Wanting, wanting, wanting.

That's the way it is this side of heaven I suppose. I had a professor once tell me she thought Heaven was a selfish idea. I don't think she understood the point of Heaven though. Eternal rest. How anyone can say they don't feel a sense of exhaustion in living this life, I'll never know. But I feel one. I feel a heavy burden on my shoulders that I carry and it frustrates me. I want to rest NOW, I want to be in the presence of the only thing that will truly make me happy forever, the glory of God.

So I'm a little confused and very reserved right now. I know this is a place of sin in my life and I am definitely wondering how much longer I will stay here before my heart finally gets it.

We'll see.

I finally finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

This is one of those instances where the unintellectualism of America upsets me. There are a group of "conservatives" who talk about Harry Potter as though Harry were the anti-Christ. Liberal America equates being conservative with being stupid. However, I find that the American public in general - liberal, moderate, conservative - tends to be ignorant in general. The ignorance simply takes form differently depending on where you fall in the line-up. In this case, it happens to be ignorance about a particular book and hypocrisy in choosing some wizardry (ie Lord of the Rings) over others.

Finishing the final book, I am proud of Harry. I got extremely misty-eyed when Harry believed that in order to fully defeat Voldemort, he had to die. He couldn't fight. He had to simply walk into the camp and let the Dark Lord destroy him. This nobility, this heroic action, reveals in each of us what we desire most in our heroes - a desire to go to the end, no matter how far or how dire, so that we may live in peace.

As Christians we miss that this hero resonates with each of us. Yet we have such a hero and better yet He is perfect and triumphant. Christ was led like a lamb to the slaughter and willingly laid down his life.

I'm not suggesting that Rowling was intentionally Christian or even thinking of Christianity at all (although interestingly enough, two major quotes in the last book were straight from the New Testament and one from Christ himself). Only that truth echoes in each of us, but that most suppress it. However, in rare moments, like in good writing for example, it shines through and we see something that we resonate with. Something that seems right in a world where so much has gone wrong.

Even beyond that is that my favorite character is vindicated - Severus Snape. I have held out since the beginning that he was fighting for what was right all along. After being called a coward by Harry after doing one of the hardest things that can be asked - he is finally seen as the brave man he was.

In Snape's character we learn and understand that evil has no power in the presence of love and that there is always hope. We are taught not to judge by appearances, but by character. Snape did not receive glory in his life for what he sacrificed. Indeed, more than Harry, Snape was a hero to the end.

The story is happy, sad, dark, and light. Just like life. As Christians we should be able to appreciate good art when it exists. We should likewise be able to see common grace in it and be willing to use it as a means of teaching (and dare I say it, enjoyment?). God is glorified when stories echo His Heroism. His willing to fight for our souls to the end. Even to the bitter end when he was nailed to a cross.

So let us not discard Harry Potter as a mere childish story or as witchcraft in disguise, but instead recognize the life lessons that are taught and smile because we have a true hero.

I had a conversation today with a man who I think is typical of the postmodern American Christian - he likes the church, he likes his Bible, but he wants to be safe, he wants his kids to be safe, and he wants to have lots of money. As I listened to him talk for forty-five minutes, I heard him attempt to blend two worldviews - the Christian and the secular - and ultimately it was the latter that won out in what mattered most to his heart.

I'm not saying it's wrong to want to be safe, but there's a difference between locking your door because it's wise and trying to avoid every possible pain out of fear. As for the lots of money, that's a stickier issue.

Ultimately, however, Christianity is not a safe religion.

You wouldn't get that from watching us Americans. We're too busy thinking we're blessed because we have lots of money. I'm not so sure that's true. God let plenty of nations in the Bible be rich and then He basically gave them the Holy Smackdown. So being rich does not equate to God blessing you. It could be God letting you run as far as you'd like into debauchery so that when He steps into judge, all you can do is cover your mouth.

Christianity is not safe.

This is what Christianity should look like, but often doesn't - a fearless love, willing to sacrifice life, family, comfort to love unabashadly and to seek to glorify God in all things. It might mean death. It might mean my precious baby boy in the room next to me is called to be a missionary to a place where being a Christian gets you killed. It might mean he leaves and I don't see his face until Heaven. It might mean that I lose him tomorrow and I say "blessed be the name". It might be that someone needs my last dollar. Or my coat. Or my shoes. Paul says that if what we believe is a lie, we're to be most pitied.

But as American evangelicals, are we really living a life that people would pity us for, as we drive around in our Suburbans, living in our suburbs, and making sure we have plenty of comfort? Are we so sure we're Christian?

Christianity isn't a fashion.

But we wear it like it is.

The man I talked to today said that he knew people with a lot of money. He sends his four kids to private school. But I'm blessed as the poor, but still I judge success by how I'm dressing, is how the song I listened to the other day by Caedmon's Call.

These thoughts are a little sporadic, I've got major baby brain.

I just wanted to write this down because I think something profound was said to me today by the words of this man. Something deeper than what I was hearing - God was whispering to my soul, but it's getting blocked by my pride, my sin, my fears.

Christianity isn't a safe religion.

And I think that's a step in the right direction