I've been frustrated the last few months about a lot of things. Come the end of May, Elijah will be graduating from TBI and a whole new chapter of our lives begins. Theoretically, anyway. First there seemed like there might be a full time job opportunity here in Minneapolis, but that fell through due to red tape. I felt like I was a kid being shown a really awesome chocolate chip cookie and then being told I couldn't have it. Why show it to me if I'm not allowed to eat it? Now, we're waiting on another job opportunity which will at least allow me to go from full time to part time.

The uncertainty is driving me crazy.

I do a great deal of talking about waiting on God and trusting Him with my future. I don't tend to actually live that out very well. My grandmother, who recently passed away, was not a Christian and worried constantly. I couldn't even talk about death or about tragedy, as though uttering the words would somehow cause them to happen. Fools think that way. Sometimes I think that way. The demons that held my grandmother captive sit at my doorstep and call my name on a daily basis. Every day, every moment I have to make a decision about who's voice I will follow - my Shepherd or the devil? Generally, if I can be honest, I take the easy way out and simply distract myself. Lord knows we have a plethora of ways to distract ourselves in this culture.

I worry. I'm afraid. I'm frustrated. Sometimes I'm even a little angry. I'm a planner by nature and when I can't see a clear path, I start to grumble. I start to mutter. I start to doubt the goodness of God's nature. Christ did not promise that we would get to know all of our steps before we take them. In Him sharing in our weaknesses, He tells us that He doesn't even know the time or date of His own second coming. The Father does though and there Jesus rested. He showed me 2000 years ago where to take my cares. He demonstrated the wisdom of waiting on the Lord.

I don't know what the answer will be for the future. I'm holding my breath, standing at the edge of a precipice, wondering if I can continue to affirm that everything that life brings my way, God intends, means, purposes for good. My good - His glory. If I have to keep working full time, then I want to be obedient and not just obedient. I want to be joyful. I want to find contentment even when life isn't going the way I think it should. Heaven isn't here. So I'm praying for faith and perseverance. God brings to completion that which He began.

Jesus led me here, and Jesus does all things well.